The Wrong Thing.

For the past few days, I've been hit with the "should I not have done that?" question constantly in my head.  Should I not have cut that person off?  Should I pretend like I didn't just do that?  And not only do that, but say that?

I won't say what exactly I did or said that has got me this way because I'm still embarrassed and trying to get over it, but it's definitely not the first time I've felt this way.  I'm pretty much the queen of all things embarrassing and shameful.

I have a tendency to make the little things a big deal.  It's not good, I know it's not.  But sometimes the littlest thing is the biggest detail.  And sometimes those little things...can drive ya crazy.

I always want to make a good impression on people because first impressions really do say a lot.  I once met an authority figure and we only spoke for a little under 3 minutes.  But I was extremely intimidated and overly-sweat-gland nervous (that's not a real phrase, I know).  I tried to look presentable, be well-mannered, and overall personable and friendly.  I ended the conversation with a thank you and wanted to somehow work in a "have a good day!" but I couldn't get my mouth to open or vocal chords to work right.  The second I walked away I knew I should have said it and I immediately thought the worst of myself.  I pretty much beat myself up about it the whole day.

I caught up with two long-time friends recently and I cannot tell you how deep of a hole I kept digging myself.  They weren't getting my jokes (what's new), my sarcasm wasn't coming out right, and my awkwardness was at a T that night.  I slipped up on confessing things I shouldn't have (something about underwear) and when I tried saving myself--the hole just kept getting deeper and deeper.  I tossed and turned all night while groaning, "Oh my gosh, why did I say that?!"

Every Sunday at church, I briefly speak with someone that I met in one of my religion classes and this past Sunday, he greeted me and asked how I was, just like usual.  Naturally, my response is, "Hi, I'm good.  How are you?"  To which he should answer, "Good, thanks!"  But sometimes, people don't follow their lines very well.  After I said my line, he replied, "Don't ask."  A normal person might respond, "Aw, no.  Well, I hope things get better!"  But, I'm not a normal person.  I was caught completely off-guard that I just said, "Oh...Okay."  And then walked away.

I used to have a crush on this one guy that was good friends with my sister.  It was my nephew's birthday party and the theme was superheroes and people were asked to show up in accordance with the theme.  He's there and the only time I really got to talk to him was when he was leaving.  I'm wearing a TMNT shirt and as we're making small-talk before he leaves, he compliments me on my shirt. (Apparently) I do this thing where I get a little flustered around some guys and I'm just...just an interesting sight to see.  I'm trying to be witty with the things I say and cute with the things I do, and I know the best (maybe the only) response would be to say a simple and proper, "Thanks!"  But no...my witty and cute thing are working extra hard that the next words come out slowly and strangely, "Thanks...you...can...have...it..."
Yeah, Cassandra--why don't you just take off your shirt right there and hand it to him....I knew my response was bad the moment I opened my mouth that as soon as I said it, I was already turning around because I could feel my face starting to get hot. 

When you do things like that, it's kinda painful for the first few minutes, hours, or even days.  The "I should've done this" or "I shouldn't have said that" come into play and it's torture, really.  But after awhile for you to stop thinking about it and eventually get over it, you realize there are a few good things that come out of it.

1. You can get a good laugh from it

2.  You know better next time 

It may definitely take awhile to laugh about it, but you can usually get a little giggle about it.  The words "So embarrassing" or "I'm so stupid" may follow, but it's okay to laugh at yourself!  I know I can be a little quirky and flat-out embarrassing, but oh wellz, nobody's perfect!

You may think you'll never get a next time, but there's a good chance you will.  For instance, that authority figure I was talking about earlier?  Saw her again.  And you can bet your sweet bippy I told her to have a good day!  Actually, I hope she had the best day!  Rainbows, unicorns, and cake for breakfast included!

[note to self: don't every say "bet your sweet bippy." Ever. Again]

Oh and that awkward night with my two long-time friends?  Still going strong since 1996!  And the guy from church?  This Sunday I'm going to say hello and follow my regular line and if he throws me another curve-ball I will tell him I hope things get better.  However, if he does follow his line then I will say, "That's good to hear!"

As for the "you can have my shirt" guy...Well...Let's just say things got better.  Wanna know why?  I made the right mistake of showing up to his work when I wasn't in my usual attire (pajamas) and he offered me a free cookie.  To which, I politely declined.  Why?  Because I got a little flustered again and clearly, I don't think right when I do.

And if there is really no possible way you could do better next time, at least you know what to do (or not to do) if the situation were to ever happen again with someone else.  

So, just remember: always tell people to have a good day, friendships that are more than 15 years old have unconditional love, and please...just don't offer anyone the shirt you are currently wearing.  

Live and learn, kids!